An FB friend wrote:
Pain, both physical and emotional, has made me more humble and sensitive. I was always a very sensitive person, however, for years I numbed it in various ways, preferring a Mute button to reality. Now, I am sober and alone. I am free from the chains of bad situations and toxic people. I tend to prefer isolation to interactions, because it feels safer for me. Right now I feel very much like an exposed nerve….a hapless little crab without my shell. This group is full of strong and beautiful women. I read the posts daily, and want to express my gratitude. I am hoping that one day I will feel as strong as many of you feel.
I feel perhaps many women, at this time in our collective “herstory”, are in that space of her life path. The space of exiting the pain, and learning to live, free of chains that bind, and toxic people and situations. That post triggered the following response. My hope is that this article will support women in growing a new type of shell, and learning to really take up ALL their space on the planet, living from ease and grace, with loving kindness and heart-felt love for all.
Give yourself the alone time you need to heal. I REMEMBER that feeling, verbalized so clearly in the message above.
Give yourself time to heal.
Know that those of us who present a strong front, didn’t get there sitting in front of a fireplace, drinking champagne, congratulating ourselves for our accomplishments.
MOST of us got there by running THROUGH the fire while wearing kerosene-soaked underpants. And when we finally found ourselves on the other side, we were like you — feeling shattered, and alone, and vulnerable and bare naked — a crab without a shell or a rock to hide under. NEEDING to be alone.
Running through the fire taught us empathy and compassion. Taught us to stand in our strength. To stand FOR what we believe in. To stand for what’s good and right. To stand our ground. To take up our full space on the planet. To be loving, kind and gentle, while being strong and standing our ground. We also learned how to adapt to change with a little more ease and grace. When we learn something new that contradicts everything we thought we knew before, we learned to go with it, and allow ourselves to be changed by the new learning, if it was for us to do so. That includes letting go what no longer (or perhaps never did) serves our highest good. All of which we only came to understand after we had been outside the flames for awhile.
While running through the flames, we also learned what we DO NOT want in our lives. We may not know exactly what we DO want, we know what we don’t, and furthermore, most of us learned how to not get thrown back into the fire.
As we began to heal from our time in the fire, we came to understand some more important life lessons, that were not clear to us immediately upon exiting the fire. —-
- We learned that we are not a messiah and we can save no one but ourselves.
- We also learned that we can’t change, or heal, anyone but ourselves.
- We learned that our story is valuable to support others in finding their own way.
- We learned to stand strong, while being kind and gentle, with empathy and compassion.
- We learned that we can’t change or heal anyone, other than ourselves – louder for those still in the flames!
- We learned that, at some point, EVERYONE has to go through the shadow of the valley of death themselves (i.e. the dark night of the soul). Does not mean they have to do it alone. We, who have already run the gauntlet, can be there, at the edge, reaching out, holding hand, supporting, offering encouragement as needed and requested.
- We also learned that often our loving support can help others to get through the fire sooner, and with more ease and grace, than what we, ourselves, were able to accomplish.
- We came to understand that supporting others through it, also deepens our own healing.
- Supporting others through the flame becomes the life mission of many who have gone before.
- After exiting the fire, many women go through a time of self blame — “I SHOULD’VE known better.” We learn self forgiveness and to stop killing ourselves with coulda, shoulda, woulda.
- We learn that healing is not an overnight process, and just about the time we think we have healed, some event shows us there is more depth to plumb.
The most important thing *I* learned from my time in the fire is: I can support others unconditionally, allow them to have their experience, and to not judge the experience. I can be there to reach out, lift up and support without judgment of their path. I also learned that as I support others, I open my own wounds for deeper healing. And I can support others, even while I’m “going through it” myself.
The second thing I learned is that the new shell I grew, which helps me move through the world as a strong woman, is not, and will never be, as dense and thick, hard, and all encompassing as the one I had before I fell into the flames. This new shell is thinner. Leaves me feeling MORE. Leaves me more vulnerable. It also leaves me free to live life in a more magical way – FROM love. It also is where I get the empathy and compassion to support others who are going through the flame, now. Without the time in the flames, I think I would not have the compassion and real-world understanding to support others at the depth I’m able to do now.
AND . . . I DID NOT (at a conscious level) KNOW all that about myself, until that post triggered me to start writing! The writing actually triggered in me the memory of the pain and fear of running the gauntlet of the flames, the exit day, and the rawness of the feeling of being in a million pieces, with no place to hide, for quite a long time after exit. The post, and writing this article, reminded that I very much needed a great deal of alone time to heal.
The post also triggered the memory of the ah-hah moments as each of those insights about my path and myself surfaced. Although I live those insights – they are just part of me, like breathing, I had forgotten the actual insights themselves and the power the “ah-hah” originally had on me. THANK YOU, dear soul sister, for the reminder!
I wish for you, the reader, love and forgiveness of self. Forgive everything and everyone. I wish for you deep soul healing. I wish for you enough-ness. I wish for you learning to walk in your own strength and power, with ease and grace, while always being gentle and kind to all. I wish for you all-encompassing peace. I wish for you a joy-filled life of love and happiness.
YOU are the one you have been waiting for!
My mantra – Forgive everything. Forgive everyone, including yourself. Let God sort it out.
Look into the mirror and say to the person you see there:
“Please forgive me.”
“As I also forgive you.”
“As I forgive myself.”
“As I forgives My Self.”
“I love you.”
This is THE BEST way I have found for dissolving the prison walls I created around myself, due to being unable / unwilling to forgive. Saying this a couple times a day simply allowed the healing to get in.
P.S. Many of us have learned that The Gauntlet was an initiation into the wholeness of ourselves and have accepted that being forced to run it or die, was maybe the best thing that could have happened to us!
LOL! THAT is an insight that probably only comes after a long while on the OTHER side of The Gauntlet!
If you have reached the point in your life where you are ready to step out of the flames, contact me. Perhaps I can take your hand and guide you out of the flames with ease and grace.
- to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something you perceive as wrong)
- to stop blaming (people, places or circumstances)
- to stop feeling anger about (something)
- to let go of feeling wronged by someone
- to stop requiring payment of (money that is owed)
Forgiving to Know More Peace
These thoughts of resentment, anger, and hatred represent slow, debilitating energies that will dis-empower you if you continue to let these thoughts occupy space in your head. If you could just let those thoughts go, you would know more peace.
Your past history and all of your hurts are no longer here in your physical reality. Don’t allow them to be here in your mind, muddying your present moments. Your life is like a play with several acts. Some of the characters who enter have short roles to play, others, much larger. Some are villains and others are good guys. Yet all of them are necessary, otherwise they wouldn’t be in the play. Embrace them all, love them all, forgive them all, and move on to the next act.
You can download and print instructions for the Forgiveness Pocess here.
When someone has wronged you, forgiveness may be the last thing on your mind. You’re convinced they deserve all the anger and hostility you can muster. However, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. Does your anger harm the other person? In most cases, the other person just stays away.
Holding a grudge is like punching yourself in the face and expecting the other person to say, “Ouch!”
It’s not what the other person did to us that causes the discord,
it’s our thoughts about their behavior that causes distress
and we can change that!
Forgiveness – the Logical Choice
Forgiveness is the healthy and logical choice for several reasons:
- Living in the past steals your present and taints your future. A great future requires an attentive present. That’s not possible if you’re living in the past. Life is happening right now in this moment. Every moment spent in the past is lost forever. Reclaim your life by forgiving and moving on.
- Failing to forgive creates misery. Creating and maintaining detrimental thoughts doesn’t feel good. Pleasant thoughts support a pleasant mood. By refusing to forgive the person that wronged you, you’re harming yourself.
- You’ll be stronger. Forgiveness can be challenging! Staying angry is easy in a certain way. Show yourself just how strong you are. Take a deep breath and forgive. It becomes easier with time.
As an added bonus, the more forgiving you are, the more others are willing to forgive you!
- The past cannot be changed, however your attitude can be. What is the purpose of your anger? If you stay angry for the next ten years, what have you accomplished? Nothing you do today can change what happened yesterday. Change your attitude as quickly as possible and smile again. Stuffed and held anger causes your stress and makes you ill.
- They’ll be back sooner or later. Whether you forgive them or not, they’re sure to pop back into your life in the future. In most cases, they’ll act as if nothing ever happened. However, your resentment will make you feel bad all over again if you’re still holding a grudge.
The sooner you forgive, the sooner you can put the matter to bed; the sooner it will stop causing you to feel anxious, angry and restless.
- All humans make mistakes. We’ve all done or said things we later regret. You can’t expect to be forgiven if you’re unwilling to forgive. Living a perfect life and making perfect choices isn’t possible. Mistakes happen — it’s called being human.
- Forgiveness may be the best form of revenge. If someone upset you, it’s possible it was intentional. While you might feel the need to strike back, forgiveness is the best policy. Show them you’re enjoying bigger and better things. Living a happy life is the best revenge!
- Your health will improve. Happiness and peacefulness undoubtedly support good health and longevity. Live a long and wonderful life. Be forgiving. The Mayo Clinic states that forgiveness can lead to:
- Healthier relationships
- Lower blood pressure
- Stronger immune system
- Improved heart health
- Higher self-esteem
br>Go ahead, gift yourself with forgiveness, so that you can live healthier.
- Forgiveness is fast. Time may heal all wounds, however it can take a long time. Forgiveness is instantaneous. There’s no faster way to enhance your mood than the simple act of forgiveness. Forgiveness is fast, effective, and free. Take advantage of it.
Clean up how you respond / react / feel about others.
Let go those heavy feelings and judgments,
so you are not using others
as an excuse to block your alignment.
Forgiveness is Self-serving.
Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, because the alternative is harmful to your health, happiness, and future. Be good to yourself. The fact that you’re letting the other person off the hook is secondary. Forgiveness is necessary. Forgetting is optional, depending on the situation.
Self Forgiveness is Mandatory
Remember, when you forgive, include yourself. Forgiveness of self for your participation in anything that others may have perceived as causing them harm is mandatory for your own peace of mind. For your health. For your very life!
Mahatma Gandhi said,
“The weak can never forgive.
Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”
Forgiveness is for the Strong
Forgive others whether or not they request it; whether or not they apologize. Demanding or expecting an apology, as a condition of your forgiveness, is just setting yourself up for more pain.
Forgiveness requires real strength. The fastest way to heal any transgression against you is forgiveness. Remember that forgiveness doesn’t always mean that you give the other person a second chance. It means that you’re not willing to suffer any longer. It means that you no longer allow the one you perceived as having harmed you to live rent free in your mind.
The Prison Warden
I have met the prison warden.
The name is Unforgiving.
Unforgiveness builds a prison
of our own making.
Forgiveness dissolves those prison walls.
Forgive EVERYONE and EVERYTHING
and live free!
How to forgive?
Recognize there is an issue to resolve and that you have a part in creating this issue. It is an issue from YOUR perspective. It may not even be an issue from the other view point. By taking responsibility for how you choose to respond to anything or anyone, you’re aligning yourself with the beautiful dance of life. Change the way you choose to perceive the power that others have over you and you will see a bright new world of unlimited potential for yourself and you will know instantly how to forgive and let go of anything.
For me, the fastest way I have found to forgiveness is the Hawaiian Ho’oponopono Process: Please forgive me, I forgive you, I forgive me, thank you, I love you. This works very fast for me. While saying the words, I gently tap the outside edge of my hand on what is known as the Karate Chop point. This seems to speed up the clearing.
Click the link to download and print an article describing the entire Forgiveness Process. Please feel free to save to your computer and or print the PDF so that you will always have access to it when you feel the need.
Word-Crafting as Alchemy
Third article in the series.
by Sybil Watts
“There is no try. Only do, or do not.” ~ Yoda
‘Try‘ is insidious. It permeates our language, and thus our life with inertia. Have you ever noticed how the harder you try to do something, the farther away success of that task seems to move?
And yet we have all heard the old adage:
“If at first your don’t succeed, try harder.”
“Keep on trying until you succeed.”
I suggest that the reason you did not succeed in the first place is because you ‘tried’ too hard. When someone says they will try to do something, they are telling you they are not committed.
When you say you will “try” you are setting yourself up for failure – for no success.
Try is basically a state of inertia. When one tries, no matter how hard, they never accomplish what they set out to do. It is only when one stops “trying” and starts doing that they reach success.
When you are “trying” to do something, and find yourself unable to complete the project, perhaps it is time to stop trying, back up, and take another look at the project. What are you doing? What is not working? What is working? How can you do this part of the project differently so as to obtain different results. Then go forward again. If that doesn’t work, then once again, look at what didn’t work and change that. Continue to make small tweaks in your project until you finally find something that works. Do more of *that*.
Do this experiment:
Hold a pencil, or any other easily held object, lightly between you thumb and forefinger. Exert only as much pressure as it takes to keep the object suspended there in mid-air. Now, tell yourself, “Try to let it go. ” After a couple seconds say “Try harder.” Just keep telling yourself to “Try. Try harder. Try more.” As long as you “try” the object will feel like it is glued to your fingers, and your fingers feel frozen in place. No matter how hard you try, you cannot move your fingers apart to allow the object to fall.
After 10 to 20 seconds of trying (when you realize that you truly can’t let go because you are trying so hard) just take a breath and say, “Let it go.” BOOM! The object suddenly releases from your hand. This is exactly how trying works. To reach your goals, you must stop trying and start being and doing.
Personally, I have put a lot of intention into removing “try” from my vocabulary. I don’t even try on clothes any more. I put something on, if it doesn’t fit, or I don’t like it, I take it off. There is no try.>
As I said in the beginning, try is insidious – it permeates our language and keeps us from accomplishing our heart’s desire. This is a word that creates a state of inertia — the inability to do what it is we want to do or achieve. It is only when we stop trying and start being and doing that we can actually obtain success at our endeavors.
Here are some words and phrases with which to replace “try”:
attempt; work; strive; effort; go after; rethink and do it again; endeavor; have a go at; check it out; seek; consider; examine; investigate; undertake; exert yourself; experiment with.
These are all action / doing words that will get you on the track to success.
The Effort Will be Worth It!
I’m not saying that removing “try” from your daily speaking will be easy, I am saying that the effort and focused awareness to do so will be worth it.
Sybil Watts is a Life Optimization and Transformational Coach and Wordsmith. She guides people to let go of old habits and actions that no longer serve their highest good and supports them in living their optimal life. Go to the Appointments Page if you are ready to clear those old shadows that are stopping you from living the life of your dreams.
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In this, the fourth article in the Word-Crafting as Alchemy Series, I want to present to you the idea that a word we use everyday, in the process of clearing what no longer serves our highest good, is actually detrimental to clearing our blocks – that word is ‘release‘. When we want to clear old patterns, mind sets, any kind of suffering, we say “release it.” Turns out, this is not the best way to become free of what no longer serves our highest good. Nor does it set us up for permanent clearing of our suffering and sorrow.
The dictionaries tell us that release means: the act or an instance of liberating or freeing (as from restraint). However, we need to look at the two syllables separately to be fully cognizant on how our mind really understands this word.
The Cambridge English Dictionary describes the prefix “re” as: a prefix added to a verb to have the word mean “do it again”.
The word “lease” is defined as: allowing someone to use something for a long period of time, for a price, and with an end date. i.e. “long-term, yet not permanent, use of something.”
Round and Round We Go
Putting the prefix “re” (do it again) together with “lease” (long-term use of, with an end date) we create a situation of doing something over and over again. Sort of like the old fashioned paddle ball game, where you have one end of a rubber-band connected to a paddle, and a ball connected to the other end. When one hits the ball with the paddle, the ball goes out to the end of the rubber-band, then returns to the paddle. No matter how many times one hits the it, the ball always returns to the paddle until such time as the rubber band breaks – at which time the ball keeps going until it falls to the ground, or strikes an immovable object and then bounces until all the energy is gone.
Boing! Boing! Boing!
Another meaning of release, as given by dictionaries, is: relief or deliverance from sorrow, suffering, or trouble. However, when we look at the meaning of “re” and “lease” separately, instead of getting rid of our sorrows, we simply send them out away from us, where the Universe takes temporary ownership of the suffering. However, the Universe’s lease soon expires, and the trouble is returned right back to us, just like that little ball on the rubber-band. Trouble and sorrow that we thought we released and sent on its way elsewhere, just keeps returning to us expanded and amplified, time and again. Boing! Boing! Boing!
So now you are probably thinking two things:
“OH! That is why life lessons I think I learned keep coming back up!”
“Well, if releasing does not remove what no longer serves my highest good, how do I stop repeating the same old patterns?”
Glad You Asked.
Clearing what no longer serves us is actually very simple. You stop releasing and instead you clear and let go.
When working with energies, thoughts, mind-set, feelings, emotions, etc. that no longer serve your highest good, you set the intent that you are clearing, letting go and the energy is transmuted to positive and reabsorbed back to source light.
The statement I use is: “I clear and let go this energy, from my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual Being. I let this go from all Universes, time, space, dimensions, and realities. This energy that I now let go of is transmuted and reabsorbed back to source light. And so it is.”
I follow this up by running a magnet, or my two fingers -the index and 2nd finger- along the central meridian starting at my brow, up over top of head and down as far as I can reach on the back of the neck / upper spine. I do this three times while affirming the above. Rinse and repeat until all energy around this issue is cleared.
Once finished, I ask if there is anything further that I need to know or clear about this particular energy. When I get a “No,” I have the clear knowing and understanding that this particular energy will no longer trouble me. So far, anything I have cleared in this manner has not returned.
Please note, it often takes more than one round to clear all of a sorrow from all systems, especially if there is anything “ancestral” involved.
You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.
~~ Inigo Montoya in The Princess Bride.
‘Negative’ Does Not Mean Harmful
It is time that we, as a species, stop using the word “negative” to mean bad, stuff that we don’t want in our lives, space, energy or field. Using the word “negative” to mean ‘stuff to get rid of’ dishonors the Divine Feminine in all of us, and especially Mother Earth. It is time to up-level our language.